a great loss

On Tuesday, December 18th, Dave and I found out we had miscarried. We were 10 weeks pregnant with baby number two when unusual and heavy spotting along with the lack of pregnancy symptoms lead us to our midwife's office a few days before our scheduled appointment. Because I hadn't been "feeling" pregnant for the last week, or so, I had been thinking a lot about the possibility of a miscarriage. I think the Lord was preparing me for dealing with this loss. I know the statistics. I know that one in three pregnancies ends in miscarriage and most happen at or before 10 weeks. I also know that with as many kids as I would love to have, it was a great possibility that one, or more, of our pregnancies could end this way. Even knowing all the "facts" doesn't prepare you for the ache in your heart. As the sonogram was being preformed, Dave and I looked to the screen hoping that maybe everything would be completely normal and we would see our inch long baby complete with arms, legs, fingers, toes and a heart that had been beating for the past 5 weeks. Instead we saw an empty womb...nothing was there. As sad as I was, I wasn't surprised and the Lord's strength filled both of us. It's called a blighted ovum and it happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. We left the doctor's office sad and confused and we tried to find some things to be thankful for. We are so thankful that this happened early in the pregnancy. We are grateful we found out before all of our family arrived for Christmas. And because the due date would have been in the middle of the summer...which means we wouldn't have been able to go to kamp...we are very excited that we can now go to Kanakuk. There are still some things that make me very sad. I'm sad that Zoey isn't going to be a big sister... right now anyway. I'm sad that our first two kids won't be 17 months apart and I'm sad that we have to wait a few months before we can try again. When I try to put everything in perspective, I scold myself because those are such silly things. Zoey didn't even know she was a big sister...having babies 17 months apart is incredibly challenging...and we don't decide when we get pregnant, God does. Sometimes it's so difficult to convince your heart of the truth you know in your head. On Thursday, December 20th, I had a minor day surgery called a D&C (Dilation and Curettage). It was painless and quick and we were so thankful the hospital was able to squeeze us in before Christmas. God was so good to us...even down to the little details. The major theme that has been on my heart while processing everything is God's faithfulness. God is still God even when difficult times affect my life. My prayer had been that we wouldn't miscarry and that the baby would be healthy and strong. God didn't answer my prayer the way I wanted Him to. But that doesn't change who He is. He is still a loving and merciful God. He still wants the best for my life. His ways are not my ways and I can rest in that. Believe me...I have had some rough days where I just cry into Dave's shoulder and tell him how badly my heart hurts. It's ok to grieve a loss. But through it all, the Lord has shown us the true gift we have in our salvation and our relationship with Him. He has also shown us the gift we have in Zoey...which means "life" in Greek. I am so thankful that I had the experience of being pregnant and nursing a baby. If I am never able to get pregnant again, I will always be grateful for the opportunity He gave me with Zoey. Our precious gift of life.